Square One
by KBeckett0334
Summary: AU follow-up for "Dreamworld": Castle survives the poisoning, but comes out of the ordeal with certain complications. Based on a prompt by sianita95.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Anything you recognize is not mine**

* * *

The waiting room is quiet.

It's almost as though the hospital soundproofed it, as if keeping the terrified and eagerly waiting families of those on the brink of death away from the hustle and bustle and _noise_ of the rest of the hospital will somehow ease their burden.

But being alone with the silence only eats at her.

She'd called Martha and Alexis the second the ambulance had gotten to the hospital and she'd been ushered into the waiting room. They'd panicked (Martha had sounded more than a little frustrated with her) and then assured her they'd be on the next flight to DC. That, however, still didn't leave for another hour and she was therefore going to be by herself for awhile longer with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.

McCord had stopped in about an hour ago, letting her know that the best doctors in the country were currently taking care of Castle before rushing back to headquarters to help tie up all loose ends of the investigation. She'd said that Kate had nothing to worry about.

It sure doesn't feel like it.

The clock ticks loudly in the corner, the sound of it driving her insane. Every second they spend apart is agony. Who knew that love could be so painful? If Castle were here, he'd scold her for that thought, say something like, "Love is always nothing but beautiful, even when you think it hurts."

God, how she wishes he was next to her.

The time continues to trickle by slowly, her thoughts jumping back and forth from wondering when the rest of his family will get here to becoming more and more stressed over the lack of news. On one hand, not hearing anything means that he's almost definitely still alive, but the longer she spends alone, the more worried she gets.

This job. This damn job. He'd said that they'd be great, that DC would be great, but not even two months into their engagement and her fiancé's already in the hospital because of her choice.

Her choice to leave their family.

She unclasps her necklace and holds it out, studies the two rings nestled together on the chain – her mother's engagement ring and hers, what broke her and what made her whole. She slides her own ring into her palm and cradles it there, that tiny symbol of the life that they'd barely had the chance to start.

It might all soon be ripped away.

Her mother's ring goes back around her neck, but she slides the other onto her finger where it belongs, prays that that act alone will be enough to ensure that he makes it through.

She tries to imagine what it must have been like for him all those years ago, but that just makes it worse. Because now she does know what it's like to watch the life drain out of someone she loves, and it's the single most painful thing she's ever experienced. At least when her mom died she didn't have to sit through the suffering, didn't have to sit there and wait for it to happen, wondering if she'd be able to stop it and what if she couldn't?

She still owes him an apology for those three months – for hurting him when he must've been in so much pain already.

Her stream of thought is broken when the door clicks open and a middle-aged man wearing doctor's scrubs walks in. She's on her feet in an instant.

"How is he?" she demands.

He holds up a hand. "My name is Dr. Redmond. You're family of Richard Castle?"

"Yes. I'm Kate Beckett. I'm his fiancée." The word sticks in her throat. "Please. How is he?"

"He's stable, Miss Beckett," the doctor tells her. "He's currently being moved to a private room where he will be monitored indefinitely – at least until we can assess the full extent of the potential damage."

"P-potential damage? What do you mean potential damage?" she exclaims. "If he's stable, if everything's okay-"

"Yes, he's stable," Redmond says in a soft voice, trying and failing to soothe, "but I must warn you, there might be complications."

It's as though all the air has been sucked from the room. "Complications."

"Scans of his brain showed that there may have been some damage. It's very possible that his cognitive functions could have been impaired, among other things. We won't know for sure until he wakes up."

She slumps back in a chair, horror churning in her gut. He could still wake up broken. Because of her job.

Because of her.

"Can I see him?" she rasps.

"Of course," the doctor says. "The second he's situated in his room, we'll bring you there."

* * *

His hand is cold in hers, so different from what she's used to. She really didn't think it was possible, not for a man whose very being exudes warmth on a daily basis and yet here he is pale-faced, his skin cool to the touch.

Martha, Alexis, and a strange young man named Pi are currently down in the cafeteria, having skipped dinner to catch their flight. Castle's daughter had cried when Kate explained the potential harm to his brain; Martha, on the other hand, had been stony. She'd pressed a kiss to her son's forehead and hadn't said much afterward, not until Pi suggested they get food.

And while Martha and Alexis certainly have the right to be with him, Kate is grateful for the time alone with her fiancé.

She coasts her hand up and down his arm, trying to focus on the fact that he's in front of her and breathing instead of what he might be like when he wakes up. She can barely wrap her head around it, the idea that he'll be here, he'll be alive but…different.

Her writer's words might be gone.

She swallows down a sob, drops a kiss to each of his knuckles. He'll be okay. He has to be okay. He'll recover and they'll get married and have kids and maybe a dog and grow old together because that's how it's supposed to be. She refuses to believe that their future will be anything short of perfect. Whatever happens, they'll figure it out together.

As always.

She lifts his palm to her cheek, tries to pretend that none of this is real and that they're home in New York on a lazy Sunday, embracing in between making pancakes. But the beeping machines are all too loud and easily break the illusion that they're anywhere but in the hospital, that her almost-husband's life isn't in danger.

And then his finger twitches.

"Castle?" she gasps, moving to lean over him.

He grunts, eyelids flickering.

"Castle, hey, open your eyes for me, sweetheart," she murmurs. "Castle, please."

He obliges, exposing the baby blue irises that she absolutely adores. She watches as he slowly zeroes in on her face and frowns.

"Kate." It should make her happy, should be a comfort that he still knows and recognizes her.

But just as his hands are cold, so is his voice. And she can't help but take a step back when she realizes that he's not just frowning at her.

He's glaring.

* * *

**A/N: sianita95 came to me with this prompt a few weeks ago, and I was so intrigued that I just had to oblige. No, I can't give out the full details of the prompt yet as it will give away what comes next (if you haven't already figured it out), but all in good time. My goal is to update this weekly. I'm currently juggling a 20 credit college workload and unfortunately, that has to come first, but I will do my best to be timely with this.**

**Also, reviews make me write faster.**

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	2. Chapter 2

"Rick, what…?" She's baffled, so completely thrown off by his demeanor. His eyes start to roam and she can tell the exact second when he realizes where he is.

"Am I in the hospital?" he rumbles. "Why am I in the hospital? Why are you even here?" He's glaring at her again, and she grabs for the call button, pushes it rapidly.

"Castle, just…calm down." She places a hand on his shoulder and he jerks.

"Don't touch me!"

"Okay! Okay." She jumps back, tears clouding her vision. "The doctor's on his way."

He doesn't acknowledge that. Instead, he pointedly stares at the far corner, clearly avoiding her eyes. "You didn't say why you're here."

She chokes on a strangled laugh. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm your-"

The door opens and the doctor strides in. "Mr. Castle, I'm Dr. Redmond. How are you feeling?"

Castle shrugs. "Sore, tired, irritated. What happened to me exactly?"

Dr. Redmond frowns. "You don't remember?"

"No." His eyes flick to hers and then back to the doctor. "Was it something during the case? Another bomb went off and I hit my head or something?"

Everything suddenly clicks and her heart plummets. "Castle, what's the last case you remember?"

He stares at her like she's just asked him the most ridiculous question of his life. "The Wall Street protest bombing."

She presses a hand to the wall for support, has to fight back the urge to sob. "Sixteen months," she says to the doctor. "He's forgotten the last sixteen months."

* * *

They spend the next few hours putting him through test upon test. First are the questions: what is your name? What year is it? What city are you in?

Her heart breaks a little more every time he gets one wrong.

Next come the seemingly endless brain scans. They move him from room to room, hooking him up from one machine to another. She can see how it's wearing him down – how the panic in his eyes is starting to set – and it keeps her by his side despite the dirty looks he keeps giving her. She desperately wants to take his hand and give him the support he so clearly needs, but she also doesn't want to irritate him further.

She's terrified she'll break down completely if he yells at her again.

Martha, Alexis, and Pi are waiting outside his room when they finally wheel him back in. He's slumped over, looking utterly defeated, and only manages to offer his mother and daughter a feeble smile and wave as he passes. Kate pulls them aside to explain the memory loss, her voice cracking every few words.

Alexis immediately demands to see him and drags Pi into her father's hospital room while the doctors are still inside, closing the door behind them. Martha, however, stays behind.

"If he's forgotten the last sixteen months," she begins quietly, "then does that mean he doesn't remember you two…?"

Kate shakes her head, not wanting to speak lest she start sobbing again. Tears have already sprung to her eyes against her will.

But of course, Martha notices this and pulls her into a tight hug.

"It's going to be alright," she insists, and never has Kate been so appreciative of the strength and confidence that the older woman constantly exudes.

"He still thinks I betrayed him," she confesses. "He's so angry at me."

Martha pulls back to look her in the eye, gripping her upper arms tightly. "Katherine, if there's one thing I am absolutely sure of, it's that my son loves you very much," she says. "Believe me, a little thing like memory loss is not going to be able to keep him from you for very long."

Kate nods and tries to give Martha a smile despite the tears that are once again falling. The older woman gives her shoulders a pat and moves for her son's hospital room, turning back at the last second.

"Are you coming in, my dear?"

Kate shakes her head. "No," she says, wiping at her eyes. "I'm going to step outside for a bit, try to get some air."

"Get something to eat too while you're at it, darling." Martha's eyeing her warily, and now that she thinks about it, she really is famished.

After she promises that yes, she'll visit the cafeteria, her fiancé's mother gives her a sad little smile and leaves her standing alone in the hallway.

It hurts more than she expects it to.

* * *

She sneaks back into his room after Martha, Alexis, and Pi have gone. She'd offered them what little space she has at her apartment, but Martha graciously waved her off, saying they'd be perfectly fine in the hotel down the block. All the better to be closer.

Kate is grateful for the woman's kindness at a time when all she wants to do is beg for her forgiveness, when she feels so much more deserving of the stern looks that Alexis keeps throwing her every now and then.

She's completely given herself over to the idea that what happened to Castle was indeed her fault.

He's sleeping when she walks in and she decides to take comfort in that – that he won't be kicking her out anytime soon and she can at least take some time to pretend that this nightmare isn't happening. Nevertheless, she takes a seat by the window, as though her mere presence at his side will be enough to wake both him and his wrath.

That's what it is, isn't it? His fury because he still thinks that she betrayed his feelings? That she doesn't love him back? And she's too afraid to even entertain the hope that a single "I love you" will be able to make this all better. The doctor warned her of personality changes, that while Castle still has most of his memories, his responses to them might be very different this time around.

The bottom line is that he might never forgive her.

She doesn't know what she'll do if the day comes where he shuts her out completely; she doesn't know how she'll survive it. Amazing how a man whom she utterly loathed upon first meeting him has become the one person she can't imagine her life without.

She holds her breath when he cracks an eye open, braces herself for impact. But he merely heaves a sigh and shuts his eyes again.

"You're killing me, Kate," he grumbles.

"I'm sorry." It's all she can think to say. She rubs a hand over her face and when she looks back up, he's staring at her slack jawed.

"What is it? Are you in pain?"

She's halfway to the call button when he says, "You're engaged."

"Yes." She lifts her hand to fidget with her ring, frowning. "No one told you?"

"No. No one told me." He sinks back, no longer looking angry, just defeated.

It gives her hope.

"Who's the guy?" he quickly asks, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

She dares to step closer. "You."

And suddenly he's looking back at her. "What?"

"You," she says again. "You're the guy. We've been engaged for almost three months."

He suddenly finds his hands very interesting as he fiddles with the bed sheets, the silence stretching miles between them. "I don't believe it," he says finally.

Damn, that stings.

"You can ask anyone, Castle. It's true," she half-pleads. "Ask your mother and daughter when they come back tomorrow."

But he just shakes his head sadly, still smoothing his blankets.

She can't help it – she goes right up to his bedside and leans over to press her forehead to his, ignoring the fact that his whole body stiffens almost violently at the contact.

"Please," she whispers. "Please, sweetheart."

For a moment, she thinks he's going to kiss her.

But then he's reaching up to pull her hand away from where it rests on his face, leaning back as much as he can.

"Beckett, I need you to leave."

She feels her heart shatter. Only when her mother died has she felt pain quite like this before.

"When you were shot, I gave you time," he murmurs. "I need you to do the same for me."

She steps back, trying desperately not to cry. She's so damn sick of crying.

"Okay," she says. "Okay."

She walks towards the door and then turns to face him. "But before I go, I need to say this." She pauses to make sure he's looking at her, and when he is she says, "I love you. I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should, but I do, Castle. I love you so much."

She doesn't wait for his reaction.

She leaves.

* * *

**A/N: I just wanted to say that I am so incredibly humbled by the overnight response that this fic got. I was not expecting this many followers in such a short amount of time. Thank you all.**

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